So the Rock Band Network should launch any day now, and per the always excellent RockBandAide, we can look forward to these announced downloadable tracks and artists on launch day:

• Steve Vai
• Widespread Panic
• Gov’t Mule
• Reverend Horton Heat
• Stroke 9
• Bif Naked

• Evanescence – Going Under
• All That Remains – Days Without
• All That Remains – Forever in Your Hands
• All That Remains – Undone
• Flight of the Concords – Business Time
• Flight of the Concords – Demon Woman
• Flight of the Concords – Most Beautiful Girl in the Room
• Ministry – Let’s Go
• Ministry – Life is Good
• Ministry – Watch Yourself

I am a huge, HUGE Flight of the Conchords fan and I cannot WAIT to bust out some Business Time on the mic.

As originally promised, RBN also opens the doors to more experimental stuff and new genres of fake plastic music, like this full-on Jazz track by Bill Bruford’s Earthworks. Check it out: saxophone as vocals, piano as guitar!

Don’t think a sax could actually play those vocals? I beg to differ! Witness a trombone player scoring a perfect on the vocals to the execrable “I Get By”.

Sorry Honest Bob fans, but that song is a crime against music. A trombone is the best thing that could have ever possibly happened to “I Get By”.

Ever wonder why you can’t use your trusty fake plastic guitar in other games than Rock Band and Guitar Hero?

Well, wonder no longer! The game Fret Nice (from Pieces Interactive) will soon be available on the respective Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 stores. In it, you use your guitar controller to navigate a 2D sidescrolling world.

I was a little confused how this all works, but it’s explained in a recent GameSpot preview:

How does it work, exactly? It starts out simply enough. You hit the green fret to move left, you hit the yellow fret to move right, and you tilt the guitar to jump. Those three inputs form the core of your movement. Easy, right? Attacking enemies gets a bit more complicated. The rotund bad guys coming after you–think of them as goombahs covered in fur–all have a random number of facial features. One might have a single eye, another might have three eyes with a mouth, and so on. Your job is to leap into the air and zap the enemies by playing the number of notes that match the number of facial features. So, for example, jumping into the air and playing a single blue note will kill that one-eyed enemy, while playing three blue notes and an orange note will kill the three-eyed, one-mouthed beast. You can improvise whatever color notes you play; all that matters is matching up the numbers.

Sounds like an interesting merger of a traditional button-based 2D scroller controls and dynamic “play some songs” interactivity.

Fret Nice is slated to arrive sometime next month (that’d be February), so keep an eye out for it. Unless all you like to do with your fake guitar controller is play fake songs. Total dullsville, man!

Imagine the joy of finding a copy of The Beatles: Rock Band or Guitar Hero 5 under your Christmas tree this year. Now imagine what you’d feel like if, instead, you unwrapped a copy of an ultra-chintzy, bottom dollar Guitar Hero knockoff. Behold.

Guitar Superstar

(picture courtesy of the always-excellent Rock Band Aide)

Featuring, according to the box, 12 “hit” songs:

• Santana – “Stormy”
• Motorhead – “Fight”
• Fall Out Boy – “Dance, Dance”
• Alice Cooper – “Billion Dollar Babies”
• System Of A Down – “Forest”
• The Vines – “Get Free”
• Aerosmith – “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing”

There must be multiple versions of this thing, because this one features the song Granite Man. Not Iron Man, mind you, but … Granite Man.

Oh, but wait, there’s more!

Shredmaster Jr.

This one has a similar tracklist, but a totally different gameplay UI.

• Smoke on the Water
• I Love Rock and Roll
• Iron Man
• You Give Love a Bad Name
• Billion Dollar Babies
• Hotel California
• Paradise City
• Smells Like Teen Spirit
• Paranoid
• Master of Puppets

I’m not sure which one is worse. I don’t think there can be a winner when both are so bad. This is gameplay that would have been barely acceptable in the 8-bit NES era, and “songs” that are painful, barely recognizable MIDI deconstructions of the originals.

There’s even a drum superstar, though it’s so profoundly bad I couldn’t find any details on it, or videos of it in action.

Any kids who got these crappy knockoffs for Christmas instead of the real thing, you have my condolences. I’m sorry your parents don’t love you!

With less of a bang than a whimper, tomorrow is the release date for Guitar Hero: Van Halen.

I’ve had this game since the first days it was available as a Guitar Hero 5 pre-order bonus. Although I am kinda-sorta a Van Halen fan, have to admit that it was a bit of a letdown. In all honesty, I had more fun playing Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. There’s something about the Van Halen catalog that just isn’t … deep. It’s just sort of basic rock music. Outside of the Eddie guitar virtuoso wankery (aka Eruption) and the top 5 Van Halen hits you’re probably thinking of, there is no “there” there.

It’s also a shame that this disc doesn’t import at all into Guitar Hero 5, like World Tour, Smash Hits and Band Hero do. Well, partially, anyway.

Guitar Hero: Van Halen is probably worth getting if you’re a massive fan of the band, though it is nowhere near the intimate fan-centric portrait of a band like Guitar Hero: Metallica, much less The Beatles: Rock Band. If you are a genre enthusiast like myself, I can recommend picking it up once it drops to discounted levels. It’s mostly Van Halen, but there are a handful of other interesting songs on there as well — check out the song list and see if anything appeals to you. I expect it to tumble in price quite rapidly.

Even if you have no interest in the game proper, there is a little bonus for all fake plastic rockers — an official Eddie Van Halen “frankenstrat” faceplate!

The frankenstrat is Eddie’s famous guitar, a combination Gibson / Fender with a very distinctive paintjob.

I’m pretty sure the frankenstrat is probably the single most copied faceplate design in the history of fake plastic rock. So having it as an official faceplate design is a good thing. The faceplate is available as a promo bonus from some sites, or also sold directly for $10.

And here’s my own bonus to you — a video from the Legion of Rock Stars covering Van Halen’s Jump.

They’ve done a ton of these covers, which are available here. Bring your earplugs, and a sense of humor …

I am in fact a huge fan of The Beatles: Rock Band. I’ve been enjoying the heck out of the recent Abbey Road DLC, so much so that I’d call the 16-minute B-side medley — playable as one continuous song — the high point of my entire fake plastic rock experience to date. It was seriously that good!

So I jumped at the opportunity to run a (very!) small, sponsored contest courtesy of our pals at GameStop.

Up for grabs are two copies of The Beatles: Rock Band for Playstation 3.

Here’s how it works:

1. Leave a comment describing your favorite Beatles song in the game. Just a short paragraph is fine.
2. Be sure to leave a valid email address in the comment so I can contact you.
3. I will select my two favorite comments (you have to convince me — at least a little!) and your copy of The Beatles: Rock Band for the Playstation 3 will be shipped directly to you.

That’s it!

And, if you don’t win in the comments, there’s always the Share Your Love contest which runs until the 16th:

Create lyrics for your own love song using at least ten titles from songs by The Beatles. You could win a VIP trip to Las Vegas, complete with airfare, stay at The Mirage, tickets to The Beatles LOVE by Cirque du Soleil along with the chance to perform your winning submission before the show.

Also, if you already own The Beatles: Rock Band, get out there and buy that Abbey Road DLC! Harmonix is taking a “wait and see” approach to future Beatles DLC — meaning, the more Abbey Road sells, the more likely it will be that we’ll get more Beatles tracks.

Do not disappoint me! You guys know what to do, here! :)